Going to the Movies

Every Tuesday, select movie theaters have discount tickets for “loyalty members,” or, rather, people who subscribe to their constant bombast of email promotions. These cheap tickets are no secret, and the people that take advantage of the $12+ discount are a real mixed bag. There are the people that go on dates, who either talk the entire time—as if their date is more interesting than a feature film—or they are making out which is typically not disruptive if they stay out of your line of sight and keep the lip smacking, heavy breathing, and moaning to a minimum. Bigger groups scare me. Their organizational skills must be beyond my comprehension if they are able to coordinate 10 people on a Tuesday night. And since they hold the largest percentage of the theater seats, they can talk and scream and make a scene, because they’re backed up by a whole gang. Don’t cross them, or for the rest of the movie you’ll have people talking about you behind your back, or in front of you depending on where you sit. Make sure you go on Tuesdays though, otherwise you run the risk of being caught in the same showing as a pretentious film bro. They will be the perfect attendee while the movie is on, but as soon as those lights come up, you’ll start to hear whispers of “imagery” and “cinematography” and “there are much better films, please tell me you’ve watched Pulp Fiction.” But one last thing and then I swear to god I’ll shut up about this forever, I don’t know if disruption or post-movie criticism is worse, but make sure they have popcorn that leaves your hands slick from butter and salt, otherwise why did you go to the movies in the first place?